Beggars Can't Be Choosers

I'm a mother of two beautiful, smart, wonderful, caring children.  And we adopted them.  But I want the world to know that I did not "settle" for them.  My children are not some kind of door prize given to those sad souls who can't conceive children on their own.  My children are the once-in-a-lifetime, Publisher's Clearing House, win the BIG lotto type of prize.  They are the Golden Ticket -- and I got two of them.

I have read articles, comments on articles, and talked to people (even former family) who have the attitude that since adoptive parents can't conceive on their own, they should accept whatever child is offered to them.  They cite the thousands of older children above the age of 5 yrs old who are still in foster care because they are considered "un-adoptable".  They cite the thousands of special needs kids in America who need loving homes.  Basically, I have often heard one of two things: 1) "beggars can't be choosers" or 2) you need to be more lovingly, like Mother Theresa.

I have spent some time with older foster kids, and they are wonderful.  I love them dearly.  I am privileged to know them.  Every day, they and they're families fight to overcome the craziness of their early childhood years.  To stabilize, to love, and to nurture.

But let me clarify a few things.  Some of these kids are still in foster status because our system is trying very hard to give their bio-parents every opportunity to re-unite their families.  Many of the children aren't available for adoption, because bio-parents keep taking two steps forward and one step back.  Kids go home to live with bio-parents for 6 months, things fall apart again, and the kids are back in the system.  Basically, they are unavailable for adoption, not "un-adoptable".

Additionally, social workers are trying very hard to put kids in homes where the placement will work "for good".  They try very hard to match personalities, race, culture, etc.  They try very hard to blend this new family just right and still fit within all the state-mandated requirements on number of children in the home, boys in one room and girls in another, and age separation between child and parents.  I don't always agree with the decisions, but I'm glad I'm not a social worker.

My goal in adopting children wasn't to relieve societal or family pressure on myself.  It wasn't to feel fulfilled as a woman.  It was simply to be a "mom".  My dream was to watch that toddler start to express themselves and get to know everything that was happening in that little brain.  My dream was to hold a tiny baby and watch that tiny baby take everything I had or had not provided or taught and turn into a wonderful adult.

I read all those questionnaires from the agencies, and did countless hours of soul-searching with my spouse on what we wanted in our future family, and we answered those very seriously.  No one teaches you how to "be flexible" without twisting your spouse's arm.  Those probably had to be some of the most difficult conversations of our marriage.  Knowing that every "No" meant less opportunity to adopt, but still trying to respect the other's opinions and feelings.  And no, in the end, we did not ask for perfection.

As adults, we realize that sometimes we have to "settle".  We trade old dreams for new ones.  We sacrifice something we once thought we wanted, for something we want more now.  Sometimes, we have remorse.  We call it "settling".  Other times, we realize that we have grown and our dreams have changed, and we are at peace with those decisions.

My dream was to have brand new, completely healthy babies ... and know that someday, when they hate me or when I'm totally aggravated by their decisions --- that all of it, EVERY SINGLE NURTURING INFLUENCE OR LACK THEREOF, was completely my fault.  That's crazy, yes, but I wasn't settling on this.  

And I am NOT Mother Theresa.  My children are not "lucky to have me".  Heck, they will be lucky to survive me.  I'm not a "tiger mom", but pretty close  -- I constantly fight my hovering instinct.  I am lucky to know my children.  They are beautiful people.  They have saved my life in ways no one will ever understand.  They help me laugh when I forget to, they motivate me to be a better person, and they remind me that there is more to life than just work.