Out-laws

I had a boss one time that referred to her in-laws as "the out-laws".  She was married, with a daughter in college, and her mother-in-law was still encouraging her son to divorce his wife because she hadn't given birth to a son.  They had a beautiful daughter, but couldn't have any more.

I know that family businesses can tear families apart.  People get greedy, or feel their survival is threatened, and they do cruel things.  Money has this strange effect on even the tightest bonds, people kick into anything between "fighting for survival" and "fighting for a pipe dream" that wouldn't do them any good anyway or one they will never live long enough to see to fruition.  I know good people, grown adults, who are still seeking the approval of their abusive parents, and it will never happen.

Some families deal with theft, abuse, violence, psychoses, and hatred.  And on the other hand, some families just can't communicate well.  The former have good reasons to be estranged, to protect themselves from further harm.  The latter, just don't get it.  Oh how short these moments are on the stage of eternity!!

I know a wise woman, one I admire, and she taught me, "Consider the source."  This advice has saved my career in more than one moment, but I think it has further application.

If you are in one of those families that doesn't have any "real" issues besides terrible communication, and you are at a family function .... just, "Consider the source."  Be pleasant, kind, and outgoing.  Be helpful.  When all is done, get in the car, drive away, give your spouse an earful about your family and your in-laws, etc., etc., etc.  But when all is said and done, consider the source.

What was said that you didn't like?  Why was it said?  Were you actually there or did it get relayed 2nd hand?  Was it said out of love and concern, or hatred and cruelty?  Every family communicates differently, most individuals communicate differently.  Some individuals, even though they have adapted to their family communication style, still feel like its a "one size fits all" style that well, ... ... doesn't truly fit them.  Then, what do we do?  We go and throw in a bunch of in-laws, who don't know the "code of conduct", or will never fit into that "one size fits all" dress.  And before you know it, we have some more "out-laws" because they don't fit into the dress.  You've spent a lifetime learning to fit the mold, and you've fit it because that's all you've known.  In-laws are lucky enough to see the mold, and know that it doesn't have to be.

So, consider the source.  Ask yourself, which category it falls into: 1) different than my world view, 2) more open and frank than I appreciated, 3) insensitive, 4) vengeful, 5) intended to do harm, or 6) intended to incite war.  What do I know about this person?  Do they usually aim bows and arrows at the hearts of others OR are they generally a good person who married and cares for a member of your family?  And how much do you care for that member of your family?  Does your mutual past, memories,  or shared lifetime, mean anything to you?  ....  Then, consider the source.

And after you "consider the source", pray for them.  Get on your knees and pray for their health and happiness.  Pray that you may know what they need and how to help them.  Pray that they my know the joys you have in your life, and pray for understanding.  Pray for forgiveness and gentleness of heart.

The other person in my life that I admire is my husband.  He would give away our very home to help someone in need, if I let him.  He remembers others, he prays for others.  I am so buried in getting through each tough day, but he is the one who looks around for those eternal service opportunities.  I wish someday to have the courageous heart he does.  I yearn to have his courage to speak out about what I see, and what I care about.  I wish people could see him as I do, and know that I am better because of him.  He values family.  He is the in-law, and still comes home and prays for my family.  He prays for every single need he sees, and I don't know how he does it.

Like my blog subtitle says.  My life is perfect, but I'm not ... I'm working on it.

Conversations with a 4-year-old

Today the conversation in the car with my 4 year old son, went something like this:
Son: "What do ladybugs eat?'
Mom: "I don't know (pause) ... oh wait, aphids.  (What can I say!  Mom's tired.) Ladybugs eat aphids, that's why we put them in the garden.  We put ladybugs in the garden to eat the aphids, so the aphids don't eat the flowers."
Son: "When ladybugs are yellow, then they turn red and we can touch them, and put them on our finger?"
Mom: "Yep."  (I'm guessing, I don't know about the yellow ladybug part.)
Son: "Then they can climb our arm."
Mom: "Yep."
Son: (something about butterflies)
Mom: "Do you know that some butterflies eat meat?" (avoiding the explanation about what carrion is)
Son: "HUH!" (surprised) "What do the ones that eat meat look like?"
Mom: "I don't know."
(pause)
Mom: "Can Mommy sing her song now on the radio?  Its one of my favorites."
Son: "No.  I want to talk about something you want to talk about."
Mom: (thinking ... okay, how about you getting dressed in the morning without an argument.... but before I can get the words out...)
Son: "Aphids ....(something)".
Mom: "Do you know that worms eat dirt and poop it out?  They are good for our garden."
Son: "Gross...."

Yesterday the conversation in the car with my son, was:

Son: "Why does God give us real food?" "Why does God give us real food and fake food?"

Mom: "Well, our bodies need real food to live."

Son: "And fake food?"

Mom: "So, we have toys to play with."

(pause)

Son: "Mom, does Heavenly Father need the sun?"

Mom: "Uh... well, He likes the sun.  He made it for us, because we need it.  Not sure if he needs it."

Son: "Does Jesus?"

Mom: "He likes it, too.  Still not sure He needs it."

Son: "Well I don't!!! (as he shields his eyes from the morning sun)

Mom: (Ah!  Now I know where this is coming from!)

Son: "I want it to be dark all the time!"

Mom: "But if its dark all the time, we can't go outside and play."

Son: "Yes we can, if Jesus says so."

Mom: "What about if Mom and Dad say, 'No'?"

Son: "We can if Jesus says so."

This is the part/age that I've always looked forward to.  The part where he is thinking and speaking, and I get to hear what he's thinking.  I don't know how long this period will last --- how long before he decides his mother isn't worth the effort to communicate with, but I love it for as long as it lasts.  Random, creative, curious, and innocent.  And sweet.  Conversations with a 4-year-old.