Out-laws

I had a boss one time that referred to her in-laws as "the out-laws".  She was married, with a daughter in college, and her mother-in-law was still encouraging her son to divorce his wife because she hadn't given birth to a son.  They had a beautiful daughter, but couldn't have any more.

I know that family businesses can tear families apart.  People get greedy, or feel their survival is threatened, and they do cruel things.  Money has this strange effect on even the tightest bonds, people kick into anything between "fighting for survival" and "fighting for a pipe dream" that wouldn't do them any good anyway or one they will never live long enough to see to fruition.  I know good people, grown adults, who are still seeking the approval of their abusive parents, and it will never happen.

Some families deal with theft, abuse, violence, psychoses, and hatred.  And on the other hand, some families just can't communicate well.  The former have good reasons to be estranged, to protect themselves from further harm.  The latter, just don't get it.  Oh how short these moments are on the stage of eternity!!

I know a wise woman, one I admire, and she taught me, "Consider the source."  This advice has saved my career in more than one moment, but I think it has further application.

If you are in one of those families that doesn't have any "real" issues besides terrible communication, and you are at a family function .... just, "Consider the source."  Be pleasant, kind, and outgoing.  Be helpful.  When all is done, get in the car, drive away, give your spouse an earful about your family and your in-laws, etc., etc., etc.  But when all is said and done, consider the source.

What was said that you didn't like?  Why was it said?  Were you actually there or did it get relayed 2nd hand?  Was it said out of love and concern, or hatred and cruelty?  Every family communicates differently, most individuals communicate differently.  Some individuals, even though they have adapted to their family communication style, still feel like its a "one size fits all" style that well, ... ... doesn't truly fit them.  Then, what do we do?  We go and throw in a bunch of in-laws, who don't know the "code of conduct", or will never fit into that "one size fits all" dress.  And before you know it, we have some more "out-laws" because they don't fit into the dress.  You've spent a lifetime learning to fit the mold, and you've fit it because that's all you've known.  In-laws are lucky enough to see the mold, and know that it doesn't have to be.

So, consider the source.  Ask yourself, which category it falls into: 1) different than my world view, 2) more open and frank than I appreciated, 3) insensitive, 4) vengeful, 5) intended to do harm, or 6) intended to incite war.  What do I know about this person?  Do they usually aim bows and arrows at the hearts of others OR are they generally a good person who married and cares for a member of your family?  And how much do you care for that member of your family?  Does your mutual past, memories,  or shared lifetime, mean anything to you?  ....  Then, consider the source.

And after you "consider the source", pray for them.  Get on your knees and pray for their health and happiness.  Pray that you may know what they need and how to help them.  Pray that they my know the joys you have in your life, and pray for understanding.  Pray for forgiveness and gentleness of heart.

The other person in my life that I admire is my husband.  He would give away our very home to help someone in need, if I let him.  He remembers others, he prays for others.  I am so buried in getting through each tough day, but he is the one who looks around for those eternal service opportunities.  I wish someday to have the courageous heart he does.  I yearn to have his courage to speak out about what I see, and what I care about.  I wish people could see him as I do, and know that I am better because of him.  He values family.  He is the in-law, and still comes home and prays for my family.  He prays for every single need he sees, and I don't know how he does it.

Like my blog subtitle says.  My life is perfect, but I'm not ... I'm working on it.

A Family's Decisions

I have a few thoughts tonight.  My son just finished Kindergarten.  He scored the highest in his class on the standardized test in the subject of reading.  There were other awards earned, given, and received, but I am very proud of my son.  And, I am very proud of this family.

People say a lot of stupid things about working moms, about families with two working parents, and even about families who choose private school over public.  When it comes to these trades in life my theory is: Be happy with your decision.  Be honest enough with yourself to change it when it doesn't work.  And respect the other woman or mom enough, to let HER be happy with HER decisions.

Our family juggles a crazy schedule, a good dose of hardship, long commutes, and ........ regardless of all that ...... my child has still learned to read.  We have made our decisions with a lot of thought and prayer.  Depending upon the choice, we continue to "check-in" to make sure that this is the only solution or that it is the solution we still desire.  We are not my mother's family, or that other family at church, or that other family at school.  We are OUR family.  Our children are loved, and they and their education is a priority.

And I am very proud of my son and our little family tonight.

I am helping to index the 1940 census for easy computer searching.  Go to https://familysearch.org/1940census for more info.

My Sabbath

I'm a Latter-Day Saint (LDS).  We have a lay clergy -- which means every member has a "job" at church in additional to their "normal" job and family duties.  Our bishop is also a high school teacher, his first counselor is a draftsman and handyman, and his second counselor (my husband) is a financial services representative.  I also have an assignment -- I'm the Primary President, which means I'm responsible for the religious education of the 18 month olds through 12 year olds.

I have known and still know some adults who resent the amount of time their parents spent in their church assignments.  They feel that their parents cared more about their assignments or "callings" at church, than their own kids.  I don't know, I think we all find something to resent our parents over.  I was the kid who's parents didn't always come to church.  My parents weren't very active until I was in high school, but they were always good people, I knew they believed in God, and we always prayed as a family.  I didn't really understand the advantage of a temple marriage over a civil-only marriage until my parents were married in the temple when I was 16 years old.  The four of us kids were also "sealed" to them for "time and all of eternity" at that time.  Then, as a judgmental, opinionated teenager, I saw two good people with a good marriage, become something greater.  This lesson has served me well over the years.

I guess I don't have a lot of sympathy for the adults who were active kids with active parents -- seems like a strange thing to hate your parents over.  However, I do worry about my kids feeling this way some day.  I don't want them to hate the Church because their Mom and Dad were busy serving everyone else, but them.  I am very careful about how many hours I ask them to be adults in little kid bodies.  Because really, the end goal is for them to love the Lord and His Church, as much as I do -- if not more.

So, back to today's sabbath:
This morning, my husband and I both needed to attend Ward Council (basically, our congregation's staff meeting with the bishop), which meant also taking the kids -- an almost 5 1/2 year old and an almost 2 year old for a 1.5 hr adult meeting.  (Who is going to babysit at 7am on a Sunday?)  Thankfully, I have two wonderful counselors who trade off months with me, but this month it was my turn.  As I pulled up to the church 30 minutes late -- totally my fault this morning, but I didn't lose my cool -- my kids cheered and screamed, "Yay! Church!".  I said, "Okay, but first we go to bishop's meeting."  Then screams of "Yay!  Bishop!"  Man!!!  That did my heart good!!  This made my month!!! These two "little" adults were great during the meeting, and help me set up chairs in the classrooms afterward.  Then, during church, with everyone watching and my husband helpless in the front of the room, I was in the back pew with two little ones who decided to be children again.  I racked up 400 steps on my pedometer while "sitting still" in church, and my last comments were, "No touching!!!".  I was handling it okay, better than some days, but I was ready to turn them over to their teachers.  A member of the Stake Presidency (leaders over ~10 local congregations) walked by afterward and smiled "You did a good job."  I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, right!"  He smiled again, "I know its hard."  Thank you, I needed that.

A Good Parenting Article

I love this article!!  Made me feel better.  Thank you to the Ralph's grocery store clerks and baggers who always show patience to my children, when I've obviously reached my limit.  By the time a certain mother is pulling out her bank card, she is particularly curt and unbending to any child's request(s).

Apologies To The Parents I Judged Four Years Ago

My husband and I have judged other parents in our pre-children days, only to hear ourselves this Saturday at Sears saying, "I know she's screaming, but we can't take her out.  She needs pants and shoes.  Her pants don't fit."  And with a committed look, the other saying, "Okay, we can handle this."

Adoption Message of Hope

This will be short as I actually have house chores tonight, now that everyone's in bed.

I just wanted to send a blast to all my unknown friends out there -- all those adoptive parents in waiting.
A few people have asked me lately, "Oh! You adopted your kids!  So, how is that process, 'cause I've heard a few things?"  My response, "Yes, its awful.  Its stressful, and exhausting, and unfair, ....  BUT I now have two wonderful children."

I would throw myself in front of a bus for my two beautiful children.  I would walk on hot coals for my kids.  So, yes, I would even go through the adoption process all over again for them.  Every intrusive question, every monthly inspection, every form, every long day of waiting.  Every sleepless night wondering if the adoption would ever finalize.  Every fear.  Every terrible nightmare.  Every tear and every prayer.  Every strain it has put on my body, on my family relationships, and on my marriage.

Yes, I would do it again -- for one day like today.  A swim lesson, a little friend's birthday party, two kids tracing their mother's outline with sidewalk chalk, a movie at home, one kid falling asleep in the highchair and another snuggling close.

Keep hoping, because eventually the judge will say "it is as if they had been born to you".

Serving in Primary

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Primary is the organization responsible for the children ages 18 months to 12 years old.  Since we have a lay clergy, this organization and its teachers are all volunteers.  We're also responsible for a pre-teen girls group that meets twice monthly, and the cub scout group.  On Sundays, Primary has two hours of instruction, music, and maybe a game for the children.  One Sunday per year, the children give a presentation to the entire congregation during the main church service, or sacrament meeting.  I am currently the Primary President for my local congregation or ward.  We believe that our assignments or callings come from the Lord through inspired leaders who pray about these decisions.  I know that Heavenly Father has directed my hand when I have asked the bishop to assign various people to my Primary -- yes, mine.  I believe the Lord wants us to take ownership of our callings and our ward.  I have had very clear answers in choosing my teachers and counselors.

I am grateful for my assignment in Primary.  I may be wrong, but I think I've been in Primary since the autumn of 2009 -- this time around.  That means that for two years I spend the first hour of church struggling with my own children in a pew trying to keep their sounds somewhere below a roar, and the next two hours assisting teachers, struggling with or teaching everyone else's children, and still struggling with my own.  The experience itself is exhausting, but its also often frustrating when the adults are unreliable.  That means that for two years, I have not heard an adult lesson in Church and it would appear to some that for two years I haven't felt the Spirit in Church, but they would be wrong.

I am a busy person.  I don't even say it anymore, I pretty much refuse to, but people come up to me and tell me how busy I am.  They just don't know the half of it.  I don't have time to talk about it, I just run.  Most of it, I do to myself.  Some of it is the result of various external influences.  Lately, its completely out of hand.  I know that I often come across as cold or unfriendly to other adults because I am so focused on getting the day done, on being there for the ward's children and keeping an eye on my own, that I don't stop.  I barely see anyone else.  But that is exactly why the Heavenly Father put me in Primary -- because He knew what these last two years would be like for me spiritually, personally, and professionally, and He knew it was the one place where He could still break through my tough "survive at all costs" exterior and reach my tender heart.

Me, with two college degrees, who leads teams at work and at Church, who can in one breath size up a junior engineer, a multi-year cost account on a government contract, the contents of the refrigerator at home, and the local six year old.  I've studied the Gospel in depth, and served a faithful full-time mission.  No matter what's going on, or how distracted I am, I can be reached in & through a Primary lesson.  My Father in Heaven can reach my tender heart through the honest, straightforward questions of a handful of children.  He can reach me by letting me know that the 20 minutes of instruction I provide are some of the most important moments in my entire year.  And I know that I don't want to fail those children.

I am grateful and very honored to serve the children of my ward.  I know that the Lord has guided my hand in powerful ways to select my counselors, secretaries, teachers, Nursery leaders, Activity Day & scout leaders.  I know that being a Nursery leader for the 18 month old - 3 year old children is not a baby sitting assignment.  I know that it is pretty much the most sacred calling in the Church.  You are laying the cornerstones of their testimonies through music, talking, and play.  You are showing them that someone besides their family loves them dearly.  That this is a tree, it has leaves, and that God loved the children so much that He made a world of trees for them, that He made apples for them to eat, and dogs that go "woof, woof".  You are teaching my son, his favorite song, "I Love to See the Temple".  You are holding my daughter while her mother teaches elsewhere, because God asked her to  -- and only because she knows it was her Father in Heaven who asked.

So, support your local Primary president.  Accept the assignment, or accept the request to substitute teach.  But better yet, support her when she calls that Nursery leader -- quite possibly she prayed about it and is merely running the Lord's errand.